How are you, mate? Long time, no hear. How’s the management of Earth coming along? I think you’ve been having some extra cat naps because things don’t seem to be much better since we last spoke. Brexit is still less organised than a piss up in a brewery and what the hell happened to Notre Dame? That was one big glitch in the system. But I appreciate there could only be one of you, although if there’s more than one God, I suggest you all need to work on your delegation skills. It’s an almighty task for one guy to keep an eye on everything. You should have invented eyes for the back of your head.
Anyway, I’ll get on to what I want to talk to you about. The subject came up when I was out with my nan the other day. Amidst the confusion over the fact that ‘GF’ stands for ‘Gluten Free’ and not ‘Good Food’, we got chatting about her thoughts on sexuality. You see, Nan is what I’d call a traditional Christian, I think it’s a generational thing. She is of the opinion that gays didn’t exist in her day. Adam and Eve were definitely a heterosexual couple and there wasn’t an Adam and Steve in the mix at all. I totally respect her views and I 100% appreciate that she grew up in an era where if you were anything other than straight, you stayed well and truly in the closet. But how was that okay?
When I pointed out to her that gay marriage has been legalised in the UK and in many other developed countries, she became a tad perplexed. It was almost as though she felt like the Church had wandered off, got lost in the woods and then they couldn’t find their way back to you. I put it to her that maybe the acceptance of Adam and Steve was in your grand plan. Maybe you always wanted us to evolve and come to the realisation that Adam and Steve are well within their rights to have a fabulously lavish wedding with feather boas and glitter balls, without judgement from the naysayers. She wasn’t keen on that idea.
The problem is, Trev, that the world is moving at different speeds. What’s celebrated in one country, is punishable by death in another. It makes no sense. Were you aware, in the Maldives, you’ll get whipped before they throw you to the fire? So, when you notice there’s been a high demand for Maldivian closets, you know why. Travel a few thousand miles down the road and you’ll be greeted with the flags and rainbows of people who are out and proud. I’m not saying it’s been an easy road for anyone because there’s discrimination occurring everywhere over everything. But seriously, you’ve created a world of cultural chalk and cheese. I love how unique we are, but sometimes we have no clue where we stand and there’s very little harmony. Can you enlighten me?
On the flipside to the Maldivian closet situation, there’s a kind of craze whereby it’s the in thing to identify as anything other than straight. I have a feeling I’ll be shot down or whipped for broaching the topic, but I can’t keep up. As I said, I’m a real advocate for diversity in love and life and I take an ‘each to their own’ approach on everything, but the extreme cases are a bit confuddling. My friend was telling me how she heard of a girl who identifies as a wolf. To be honest, I don’t know where to begin with the questions. I feel for her, but what went on there? I mean, whatever floats her boat and if she’s happy then that’s what matters, but I think she might need some help. Do you ask people what body they want to be in before you send them to Earth because I have a feeling there were some crossed wires in this instance?
That’s all for now. We still have to arrange a date for beans on toast and a cuppa.
Your resident writer in a wheelchair