An Elephant-Shaped Wormhole

Hey Trevor,

How are you on this cold and blustery day? Storm Ciara has definitely made sure we’re not in Kansas anymore. I’ve never been to Kansas, have you? I suppose, given the fact you’re God, you get around a bit. I guess you can be anywhere you like whenever you like. Maybe you can even be in two places at once. It must make it easy when you’re deciding on your holiday destination. Norway and India simultaneously must be quite an experience. Does half of you get frostbite whilst the other half is slapping on the sunscreen? I now have images of you resembling a psychedelic stick of rock.

Anyhow, what have you been up to? I see you’ve not had much luck with the coronavirus. You should probably start thinking about getting that thing under control. That said, maybe you are trying your hardest. Who knows! What about the fires in Australia? Did your mother never teach you not to play with fire? I know flames are pretty to look at, but they’re not toys: they have disastrous consequences. Do you even have a mum? and what do you do for fun – besides rubbing giant sticks together? Wow! That sounded so wrong. Did you create certain words purely for the crack? Regardless of their context, there’s a plethora of words that are hideously fabulous; moist, suck, saddle, bike? My brain is about to disappear into a wormhole. Must move on…

Have you ever hopped inside an elephant-shaped laundry basket? You should try it sometime: it’s totally pointless, yet great fun. It occurred to me that life is taken far too seriously and that we don’t make time to play anymore. My week had been filled with productivity, which is all well and good, but so damn dull. It was time to liven things up a tad. The benefit of being fun-sized is you can fit into all sorts of peculiar places, take an Insta-worthy photo and brighten someone’s day. So, stay tuned for the new series entitled: Wacky Wednesdays on Thursdays.

Are you on social media or is it too technical for you? Have you figured out how to turn a computer on? Are you selfie-obsessed? Do you pose and pout or do you prefer taking photos of your food? If you’re God, do you need to eat? How strange would it be if you craved Babybel? You’d be eating little baby cheeses. Oooh! Are you into the Baby Yoda memes? Do you know what a meme is?

So many questions and not enough time to ask them: I need to go and find a place to pose for next Thursday’s shoot.

Best wishes

Your resident writer in a wheelchair.

February 9, 2020 7:40 pm

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