Fairytales. You know the drill. A damsel in distress spends the entire storyline metaphorically wrestling with an evil, matriarchal character. Only then, is she rescued by a knight in shining armour - a clean-shaven fella, resembling a Ken Doll, who just so happens to be in the right place at the right time. Even the classics that don’t require a prince, have miraculous twists that tip the scales of the plot from certain disaster to happily ever after.
Guess what folks. Life just ain’t like that. We live in the real world filled with differing ideals, differing personalities, and the never-ending arguments that come as soon as the term, ‘Brexit’, is mentioned. In this blog series, we’ll learn what would happen if we dragged the beloved characters out of their picture-perfect lives and into the 21st century. Staying true to their fairytale roots though, the stories may be a tad farfetched.
Cinderella: In the Fairytale Realm
The tale goes that Cinders’ mum died when she was a sprog. Her dad doted on her, but he predictably got remarried to an evil cow before popping his clogs himself. Cinders’ wicked step-mum treated her like dirt and taught her daughters to do the same. Then, lo and behold, the Prince came into town and desperately needed a wife, so he held a ball to find someone who’s eligible. The step-mum did what villains tend to do and refused to let Cinders go. However, the Fairy Godmother turned up, worked some magic, which meant that our soon to be Princess could take her gown and glass slippers to dance with the Prince. Although, tragedy struck when she lost her slipper whilst running out of the palace at the stroke of midnight (all magic comes with a price). But, by this point, the Prince had already fallen in love with her and had to go through the rigmarole of hunting her down with nothing but her shoe to help him. Despite the step-mum’s best efforts to sabotage his plan, he finds Cinders, the slipper fits, and they ride off into the sunset together. Job done.
Cinders would probably find that, on account of his shocking taste in women, her dad popped off to the shops and never returned. As if her luck wasn’t already down, she had a nasty accident involving a guillotine which chopped her leg in half. She failed to win her compensation claim which meant instead of getting top-notch prosthetics, she ended up with a shoddy leg that didn’t fit properly.
The two souls collided when the Prince, who happens to be blind, went on Tinder to find a suitable girl and received thousands of matches thanks to his royal status. With the help of his surplus cash and through his ignorant naivety, he thought it would be appropriate to throw a ball. Little did he realise he’d be knocked out by a rogue false leg and a Primark stiletto whilst he was mid-slow-dance.
Seeing it (or not) as a sign of fate as opposed to a hilarious epic or fail moment, the Prince set his minions on a mission to scour the land for any one-legged girls with overbearing step-mums and a love of high street shopping. He said if they found her, he’d apply to be a contestant on Married At First Sight (or not). He also said if he combined his royalty card with both of their disabled cards, he’d manage to bend the rules and marry the girl of his dreams.
Sure enough, the Prince’s minions tracked Cinders down whilst she was doing her weekly shop at Aldi. In all honesty, she didn’t really like the Prince; she accidentally swiped right, but upon realising his title, she thought she’d go to the ball because she had nothing better to do. When she discovered what his plans were, what did she have to lose? She could have her five minutes of fame, become a princess, and wear pretty clothes. Let’s face it, if it all went pear-shaped, she could just divorce him.
And they probably didn’t live happily ever after.