Cripples R Us

So, I thought for your Sunday read, I’d get back to my roots a little. There’re many reasons why living with a disability is deemed less than perfect. I get it. Sometimes, the luxury of having functional legs would be greatly appreciated. However, the life-long membership to Cripples R Us has its perks. They don’t call it a loyalty card for nothing. Here are 10 reasons why having Cerebral Palsy is okay with me.

Free upgrades

Thanks to the hoards of people who flocked to the Lincoln Christmas Market yesterday, the roads and rails were rammed. As a result, the wheelchair space on my train, (which is always on Coach F, somewhere near the inaccessible loos), was full to the brim with legs. The staff, who, judging by the bags under their eyes, had had a long day, couldn’t be bothered to shift people out of the way. So, it was First Class and a free cup of tea for me. Although, the waitress did seem increasingly concerned that I didn’t want any shortbread. Upon her sixth offer, I had to tell her I was going to Pizza Express. To be honest, I’m surprised she didn’t follow me off the train and stalk me just to make sure I’d eaten.

Queue-jumping

There’s no need to stand in a line that’ll make my oh so useless legs tired when I’m eligible for a disabled card. I can be through the exit, on the ride at Disney – twice, off the ride and have flown back home before the queue’s moved an inch.

Not having to run to the loo 

You know when you’re so desperate for the loo it’s all you can think about? Well, that’s pretty much a permanent state for me. But at least I don’t have to try and uncross my legs to make them run to the nearest loo when every muscle in my body is clenched in an attempt not to pee. Admittedly, I can’t cross my legs, and every muscle in my body spasms regardless of whether I need to pee. That said, thank god for silver linings.

A chauffeur on tap

For me, the beauty of being on wheels is the free car that comes with it. I know this isn’t the same for everyone, but in my case, I have a car I can drive into and away I go. As part of the Cripples R Us Gold Package, I generally get a driver too, but when this doesn’t happen, I like to take my own wheels over impassable bridges and weave in and out of traffic in order to make it onto a path which has no dropped curb. It’s all in the name of independence. #LivingMyBestDisabledLife

A permanent pamper session

As my friend never fails to remind me every time I get in the shower, disabled people are pampered. I live like royalty really. There’s someone on hand to wash my hair, dress me and essentially be my stylist. Don’t get me wrong, some a better than others. There are times when I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards. But still…

An in-house chef and cleaner

The pampering continues. If I were to cook, I’d scald myself before I burnt the house down. If I were to clean, everything would be shiny and sparkly at my fun-sized wheelchair height and full of cobwebs and dust bunnies above and below. All in all, it’s better to pay someone else to do the household chores.

Two-for-one at the cinema and theatre

I can’t decide whether the general public think disabled people have to pay someone to be their friend, meaning that that friend needs a reward, or whether we’re just pitied. Either way, there’s a BOGOFF offer everywhere I go. Move over Meerkat Movies, make room for Cripples R Us.

Always sitting down

Sometimes the inability to stand up comes in handy. When the nerves hit just before going on stage, my legs can turn to jelly as much as they like because I don’t rely on them to hold me up. If my battery dies, on the other hand…Houston, we have a problem.

Milk it for all it’s worth

When all else fails, and as my friend so eloquently says on a regular basis; “You can’t make me. I’m disabled”.

On a serious note

CP has done many things for me. It’s been the cause of almost every disaster when I find myself, yet again, sitting in a puddle of my own pee. There’ve been countless occasions when I’ haven’t been able to move my legs, simply because they don’t want to move. And don’t get me started on the times I’ve unintentionally landed on the floor. More than that though, CP has been the reason I don’t fit into society and the reason I stand out. It’s been the cause of my insanity and my path back to reality. It’s introduced me to a hundred people I don’t want to meet and a thousand I wouldn’t be without. It’s been my downfall and my success. I’ve been able to ride in my own lane; building a life and a living because I have Cerebral Palsy. And for that, I’ll always be grateful.

 

 

December 8, 2019 12:46 pm

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