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Dalek Invasion


Hey Trev,

I have a pressing question and given you’re the omniscient one, I thought you’d be the guy to talk to. Were wheeled folk designed as part of a futuristic pilot scheme? I only ask because we’re heading towards the robot age and when you think about it, we’ve been resembling robots for years. We’re mostly metal. We ride around on metal. We generally comprise of some kind of metal rod, thanks to overall wonkiness. and we can’t climb stairs which makes me think the Daleks were your inspiration behind our creation. Who’s your favourite Doctor?

Our looks don’t do us any favours when it comes to integrating within society. We get stared at a lot, although if I saw a Dalek coming towards me, I’d do a doubletake too. And if there’s more than one of us in a room, the place clears pretty quickly - I think everyone assumes we’re going to carry out mass extermination. Sitting in a Doctor’s waiting room can be quite amusing; I can never work out whether people are ogling at the irony of a Dalek look alike going to visit the Doctor, or if they’re not so subtly trying to determine if Dalek-itis is catching.

Sometimes I’m not to keen on the fact that I stick out like a sore thumb. Occasionally, I wonder what it’d be like to have the opportunities everyone else does. I won’t ever have the chance to be a criminal, or at least not one who doesn’t get caught. I don’t fancy my chances of shooting a gun. My aim is shocking, so there’s a high probability I’d miss the target entirely and end up shooting myself in the face. Robbery is a no go too. I can’t run up a flight of stairs, let alone jump out of a window to getaway. Not to mention I’d need to find a willing accomplice to physically burgle. I struggle to pick up a pen without dropping it, so there’s no hope of me being able to carry any valuables down the street without everything hitting the floor. Can you imagine what the police line-up would look like? I’d be the only vertically challenged Dalek in a stream of big, burly fellas.

Anyway, that’s enough with the negativity. There’s loads I’m good at. I can laugh, pee, choke and puke all at the same time. I can jump out of my skin and hit the ceiling as a result of someone sneezing. And I can make disabled jokes like these and watch people’s faces as they establish whether to laugh or cry. What’s not to love?

Your Dalek pilot scheme worked out alright for me, Trev.

Speak soon.

Your resident writer in a wheelchair

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