Nature Called

I was in the middle of writer’s block, pondering over the topic for the Sunday blog when I really needed to pee. So, I had to call someone out and wait ten minutes for them to arrive. I then had to give them step by step instructions on how to get me out of the chair and onto the loo. As I sat there, feeling proud that I managed to make it without any inconvenient puddles, it dawned on me that I could tell you about some of the times nature has called and I haven’t been able to answer the phone.

Now the one thing you ought to know is that Cerebral Palsy effects every muscle in my body. That’s everything from my legs to my bladder and sometimes even my arms to my bowels. I also laugh a lot, even at things that aren’t funny, so essentially, I’m fighting a losing battle on a daily basis. You’d think this would only end in misery, but it’s bloody hilarious.

Incident one – I got stuck in mid-air:

Let me set the scene…My regular staff member had called in sick, and despite my efforts, I couldn’t get anyone to cover. In the end, a friend, who was supposed to be working as a carer for someone else, agreed to split her time between the two of us. This meant she spent her day flitting from one place to another, and although it wasn’t an ideal situation, it was the only thing that I could come up with.

It got to around lunchtime and I started to get peckish, but because I was on my own, the only things I could reach were the crisps in the snack cupboard. The problem was, to get to the cupboard, I had to raise my chair up, pull the basket down and just hope that I didn’t drop the crisps in the process.

It turned out that despite me successfully completing this task several times before, that specific day it wasn’t going to happen. I got to the cupboard and raised my chair. BANG! The wire which I soon learnt controlled the power to my chair, had popped out. Being the idiot that I am, I had no way of contacting anybody because my phone and lifeline were in another room. So, I just sat there getting gradually hungrier and increasingly more desperate to pee. The silver lining was that I was safe, and I knew someone would turn up at some point. Although, by the time my friend came to the rescue nature had called.

Incident two – I choked:

This is something that happens quite frequently, but there’s one occasion that sticks in my memory. A friend and I were enjoying an alfresco pub lunch on a glorious summer’s day. The sun was shining, hoards of people were outside enjoying themselves and it was an all-around good day.

I was in a world of my own, drinking my Malibu when I started to splutter. My friend, who is used to such things, carried on eating her lunch and paid very little attention. Before we know it, the splutter had escalated into a full-blown coughing fit which eventually climaxed with me almost choking to death on nothing more than a mouthful of Malibu. This created not only puddles but puke which was topped off with Malibu spewing from my nose. I am an attractive human being and I will never set my wheels in that pub again. Nature well and truly called.

Incident three – I got emotional:

As I’ve already said, CP effects all my muscles, and sometimes in situations when emotions run high, CP kicks in. This specific incident happened years ago, but it is very much etched in my mind. I’d had a crap day during a time in my life that wasn’t the cheeriest. I was sitting on the sofa watching My Sister’s Keeper – a brilliant way to lighten the mood. From the first line I was in floods of tears and, not being the prettiest crier in the world, there was a tonne of snot and excessive hyperventilation.

I can’t say anything other than nature called four times throughout that film and I didn’t get to the phone once.

Happy Sunday Folks!

November 3, 2018 2:01 pm

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