Snow White: In Reality

Fairytales. You know the drill. A damsel in distress spends the entire storyline metaphorically wrestling with an evil, matriarchal character. Only then, is she rescued by a knight in shining armour – a clean-shaven fella, resembling a Ken Doll, who just so happens to be in the right place at the right time. Even the classics that don’t require a prince, have miraculous twists that tip the scales of the plot from certain disaster to happily ever after.

Guess what folks. Life just ain’t like that. We live in the real world filled with differing ideals, differing personalities, and the never-ending arguments that come as soon as the term, ‘Brexit’, is mentioned. In this blog series, we’ll learn what would happen if we dragged the beloved characters out of their picture-perfect lives and into the 21st century. Staying true to their fairytale roots though, the stories may be a tad farfetched.

Snow White: In the Fairytale Realm

Echoing the plotline of Cinderella, Snow White’s mum died when she was a kid. Before his own untimely demise, her dad hastily remarried an evil cow who was obsessed with her looks. It’s uncertain whether the Evil Queen was behind this unfortunate event, or whether he just conveniently popped off. Either way, Snow White was orphaned.

Anyway, a few years passed, and the Queen bought a magic mirror to tell her if she was the fairest in the land. Every day she would ask the question, and every day she’d get the same response. For some reason Snow White, with hair as black as ebony, skin as white as snow and lips as red as a rose, tickled the mirror’s fancy. This really pissed the Queen off, so she hired a huntsman to kill her competition. However, he was a wimp who didn’t have the guts to follow her orders.

By this point, Snow White had run away and had been taken in by seven dwarves. She thought all was well in the world, but what she hadn’t realised was her stepmother had concocted another plan. Hidden in the disguise of a decrepit old woman, the Queen would lure Snow White into eating a shiny red apple laced with poison. Classically, the plan temporarily worked until the Princess was awoken by the kiss of Prince Charming.

In true fairytale, accidental fashion, the Queen took a fatal tumble, leaving the lovebirds to live happily ever after.

…In Reality

In the real world, Snow’s dad got sick of her acting like such a spoilt brat, so he sent her to live with her aunt who is of absolutely no relation. This aunt happened to have been crowned Miss World in 1981, and she still prances around like she’s an A-list celeb. It is from her and Kim Kardashian, that Snow learnt how to cake her face with makeup whilst taking a million selfies a day. Of course, Snow’s youth, alongside her up to date knowledge of technology, made her aunt very jealous. She would stand in front of the floor-length mirror every morning, reciting the lyrics to ‘I Feel Pretty’. Snow would smirk at the sound of her aunt’s ritualistic screeching; “I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay”.

You see, Snow had a secret that she daren’t tell her aunt. She knew that if she did, she’d be hunted down and her heart would be ripped from her chest. Being a lesbian didn’t bother her, but she knew that if she came out to her aunt, she would be stereotyped as a tom-boy and gone would be the days of being allowed to binge watch the Kardashians. Ever the drama queen, Snow fled from her aunt’s home, taking the Kardashians box set with her.

After sofa-surfing for several months, she managed to find herself a house-share with seven guys whom she nicknamed the seven dwarves. Mind you, everyone was short in comparison to her 6ft figure – her aunt said her height was all in the legs. Snow claimed their living arrangement wasn’t as creepy as it sounds though, because, speaking of legs, she also lived with a girl without one. Ella had a story that was even more unbelievable than Snow’s. She had jilted a prince at the altar, but managed to get her five minutes of fame by appearing on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Snow has hinted to Ella that she’d like them to be more than housemates, but the penny hasn’t dropped yet. Who knows if they’ll live happily ever after!

February 20, 2019 12:19 pm

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