The Meaning of Life: It's as Clear as Mud

Dear Jo – our resident writer in a wheelchair,

My sincerest apologies for the delay in response. You were right to say that we had a backlog of things to do and considering Trevor has no idea how to turn a computer on, let alone retrieve things from the Cloud, I am his secretary, general dog’s body, and better half.

You, like many before you and probably many after you, wrote to Trevor asking him to explain the meaning of life. The truth is, he doesn’t really know. Before he created the universe, I warned him to seriously think about such things, and said until I was blue in the face that people would want to know the answers. But like any man tends to do, he didn’t take the blindest bit of notice. I will, however, try to answer as many questions as possible, although they are not guaranteed to be the right answers.

With regards to your reference to Trevor’s nationality, he is whatever and whoever you need him to be. Although it has to be said that he does like an Indian take-away on a Friday night. It is a little bit irritating though because the sat-nav can never find the address, and no matter how many times we leave clear, concise instructions, it never works. You’d think the fact that most delivery drivers have their head in the clouds would work to our advantage, but they still manage to get lost.

Does Trevor exist? Again, this is a weird one because he does if you want him to. So, no, you haven’t wasted valuable time because I guess those who are wanting to know the meaning of life are also those who are hoping there’s a hidden meaning behind everything. But again, the reason you couldn’t find an address was because Trev is stuck in the dark ages and hasn’t even got a Facebook profile. Your letter arrived to us via a very angry bird who couldn’t find our place of residence, kind of like the delivery drivers. A point of hilarity to me, but far too modern for Trev’s level of comprehension.

And yes, the world was never meant to be created exactly how it is. We had meeting upon meeting about how everything was going to come into play, but for one reason or another it never quite panned out. The giraffes were never supposed to have blue tongues, wasps and fleas were a true mistake, and the weather in England was supposed to be a lot less rainy. But like anything in life, we had to make the best of a shitty situation and just roll with it. After months of trying to rectify these little quirks, Trev went ahead and pushed the big red button, which is how everything came into play.

Which leads me nicely onto your next question. There was no intention for there to be a blooper reel but to be fair there are plenty of things archived that need to be uploaded onto it. Fleas and wasps are definitely two of them, and as for your legs, we’ll put those on too. Don’t tell anyone, but the incident with the woman mistaking you for Mo Farah’s grandad was one of my personal favourites. I've never seen a walking stick fly across the street so quickly in all my existence. Although it has to be said, she was in intensive care for months and had to have her face reconstructed.

In answer to the quick questions from the lovely Written Wheelies, tell The Queen of Silver Linings that I have no idea what we’re here for, I’m still trying to figure that one out myself, and I’m married to the bloke who’s supposed to have all the answers.
I’d have to give you a life lesson to answer Tweedledum’s question, by which time you’d have probably died of sheer boredom, so we’ll leave that one open to debate.
I whole-heartedly agree with the RE teacher’s question. I told Trev to make chocolate taste disgusting and it is at the heart of all major rows to this day. So, the answer is I have no idea because it wasn’t my choice. But hey, everything in moderation I guess, right?
As for the Mad Aunt, just tell her to stop taking the piss. She knows damn well what 7×6 is.

I thought I’d leave the one that takes more time to get your head around until last. I would think that because you said he’s one of Trev’s biggest fans, he’s already made his mind up as to what the answers are to him. But to any of those who still have questions, I suppose it doesn’t really matter what your belief system is, the very fact that you have life means you have an obligation to be yourself in the best possible way. Don’t try to fit in with the crowd or fit into any of those crazy boxes. And if you’re asking if Trev cares for you, first remember everyone else who cares for you and make sure to care for yourself.

And just quickly before I go, if you want to imagine pearly gates, you go ahead, but don’t be expecting a house tour any time soon. That’s for our eyes and our visitors only. When you get here you’ll be assigned your own little bunker and that’s for you to decorate exactly how you want so if you want pearly gates and plush pink cushions then that’s your call. But you can keep your riots down on earth, and come to think of it, Brexit definitely belongs on the blooper reel.

So, I think we’ve both established that the meaning of life is as clear as mud but if you have any further queries, I’ll pop you in Trev’s diary for a consultation appointment. Although I would ask for you not to feed him beans on toast, it gives him flatulence.

February 10, 2019 2:01 pm

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